


I Can't Go on Without You

by goodnightlove



Series: As It Was [2]
Category: Red Dead Redemption (Video Games)
Genre: Bisexual Abigail Roberts, Bisexual Arthur Morgan, Bisexual John Marston, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:27:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26910631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodnightlove/pseuds/goodnightlove
Summary: After Beaver Hollow John still has some things he needs to work through.  Anxiety and worries build up, and Arthur is there to help.
Relationships: Abigail Roberts Marston/John Marston/Arthur Morgan, John Marston/Arthur Morgan
Series: As It Was [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1963534
Comments: 3
Kudos: 26





	I Can't Go on Without You

**Author's Note:**

> I guess this is a series now.  
> Emotionally it's been a rough couple of weeks and I wanted to write some good ole hurt comfort. I like reading about these two working through all the things they've been through. Reading or writing about others working through stuff, kind of always helps me feel better about working through my own things, you know?
> 
> I hope everyone is staying safe and is doing okay, all my best wishes for you. 🌻

Arthur had known John going on close to twenty years. The two had been through just about everything you could imagine. Knowing a person for so long, you learn their inner workings, what makes them tick at the deepest level. And as resolute as John often appears to be, Arthur knows that deep down there is much that he doesn’t talk about.  
Both of them had been through unspeakable things, survived when others didn’t, and watched as their family was torn apart. It’s a weight that never gets lighter, only more easily carried.

John before Beaver Hollow and after are two very different men. He’s angrier, having bouts of anxiety and depression. It’s understandable giving what happened to them not too long ago. But Arthur thought things might get better after they got the house built. Beecher’s Hope was a fully functional farm now, with chores and animals to boot.

It didn’t seem to help John, in fact he seemed to be getting worse. Getting up well before dawn, working harder and longer than he has to. John’s taken to sleeping in the living room, forgoing sleeping with Abigail or Arthur. Skipping meals and generally walking around in a constant foul mood. He and Abigail have had several arguments over the past couple of weeks, with neither of them seeming to know what to do with the other.

Arthur knows John, knows he ain’t stupid or unfeeling. His drinking, even running away and shunning Jack and Abigail was all because he was scared. He was young and scared and he didn’t know what to do about it. Dutch was never one for the ‘emotional’ side of their upbringing. And there was only so much Hosea could do, he tried. And Arthur, it shames him how stubborn he was. All them years the two spent at odds, when he should have helped John, should have done something other than act how he did.

They had survived everything from Blackwater on. Arthur was healthy, they had a house, an actual real house and a farm. They were safe, had money coming in. Arthur was happy, more than happy...but John wasn’t. And Arthur didn’t want things to spiral, for John to start pushing everyone away again.

Arthur isn’t the same man he was before Beaver Hollow either, before the mountain. He still wakes in the middle of the night, breathless and shaken from nightmares. He still isn’t good with talking about his emotions, but he has to try. Just doesn’t know the best way to approach John that won’t send the younger deeper into himself. Whatever had been building inside John came to a head that night.

Arthur has been in bed for hours, the heat of the day long vanished, replaced by the cool air of the prairie. For the firs time in weeks John had come to bed. Just quietly came into the room and crawled into bed without a word. Arthur had instantly wanted to put his arm around him, but thought better of it. He watched John’s back for a while, before rolling over and staring at the open window.  
John had actually fallen asleep, Arthur could tell by his breathing, and the small twitches of his hands and feet as he was drifting off.

Though back to back, Arthur felt like he was a thousand miles away from John. His heart was heavy with the situation and just what to do about it. He had tried to sleep, but sleep wouldn’t come and so he resigned himself to lying there with his eyes closed.

Arthur didn’t know what time it was when John began to toss and turn, only that his sounds of distress pulled him from the brink of sleep. John was panting and gripping the sheets tightly when Arthur turned over. In the dim light he could see a fine sheen of sweat on his forehead and the pained expression on his face. The older outlaw reached to wake him when John’s eyes opened and he shot up in bed. John was looking wildly around the room his face stricken with panic, he didn’t seem to know where he was. Arthur tentatively reached out and laid his hand on John’s arm, only for the other to flinch and quickly get to his feet. The second John’s eyes laid on Arthur his stricken expression turned to anger. Before the older outlaw could open his mouth to speak, John was out of the door and storming down the hall.

The ruckus must have awakened Abigail, cause she was peering out of her bedroom door when Arthur got to theirs.

“What’s going on?” Abigail whispered, not wanting to wake little Jack who was still fast asleep.

“Just a nightmare I think. I’ll take care of it.” Arthur said before ducking back into the bedroom and grabbing a pair of pants and a shirt to put over his union suit.

Arthur followed the direction John had gone, going out the front door. John was a little ways from the front porch, pacing back and forth with his arms wound tightly around him. The second John heard Arthur come out he started to pace quicker.

“I don’t wanna talk about it.” John said with as much authority as his tired body to muster.

“You been upset for a while now John, acting all foul, we need to talk bout it.” Arthur said softly, worry pooling in his gut.

“We already talked about. Ain’t nothing to discuss.” John said as he stopped pacing and turned to face Arthur.

Before all this, the two of them would have been heading straight for a fight. But Arthur didn’t have it in him anymore. He loved John and he didn’t want to get into a yelling match with him.

“Just...tell me what this is all bout John. Please.”

A flurry of conflicted emotions washed across John’s face at the sound of Arthur’s voice. Going from sadness to anger and finally frustration.

“I can’t keep doing this, acting like everything is fine. You should have let me kill Micah! But you kept pushing and pushing and twisted my arm. I didn’t’ want to lose Abigail or you. And now that bastard is still out there, and none of us are safe!” John was practically yelling at this point.

“I didn’t twist your arm John, I gave you a choice, and I stand by what I said.” Arthur said, keeping his voice measured and calm.

“The hell you did. You said if I went after Micah, you’d take Abigail and Jack and leave, just like that, after everything we’ve been through. What choice did I have?”

John turned from Arthur and resumed his pacing, his frustration building, and his anxiety far from over.

Arthur ran his hands over his face and took deep breathes before approaching John, and gently taking his arm into his hand. John tried to yank it away, but Arthur held fast.

“Listen John...I didn’t mean… You, Abigail, and Jack, this family is more than I ever could wish for, more than I ever dared dream. I said what I said cause going after Micah would have put all of us at risk.”

John gently pulled his arm from Arthur’s grip and backed up some. “How would killing that rat put us at risk? If he knew where we were, he wouldn’t waste a second coming here to kill us all. Getting rid of him is the only way we’d ever be truly safe.”

“Micah was working for the Pinkertons. If you’d gone up there and killed him, how long you think fore’ them bastards realized you’re still alive? How long fore’ they tracked down our farm?”

John’s expression fell at Arthur’s words.

“I’m tired John…I’ve been through too much. M’ tired of burying folks, tired of losing my family. Revenge, killing, I ain’t got it in me no more. Nothing good would have come from going up that mountain.”

John could feel tears welling up in his eyes and he tried to look away from Arthur, tried to head back toward the house. He hadn’t thought about the Pinkertons, he truly hadn’t. Just the thought, the weight of it. The possibility of what could have happened, caused John’s legs to give out from beneath him.

But Arthur was there to catch John, guiding them both to the grass before gathering John into his arms and holding him close. A strained sob tore itself through John as he gripped tightly at Arthur’s shirt. He was so tense in Arthur’s arms, his muscles tight while he tried to keep everything in.

“Let it out darlin’...just let it out.”

John gasped and tried to bury himself further into Arthur’s chest, as though he could find refuge between his ribs. Arthur kept a tight, comforting hold on John, as he rubbed soothing circles on his back. He held him through the sobs and gasps as John poured out all his pain.

Arthur didn’t know how long they sat there, only that John’s sobs eventually petered out. John had gone quiet in his arms, all the tension having left his body, he lay boneless against Arthur. His breathing was coming easy now, and if Arthur didn’t know any better, he would assume John had fallen asleep.

“You still me with John” Arthur asked softly, following it up with a soft kiss atop John’s head.

The younger outlaw didn’t answer, but shook his head yes, not trusting himself to speak just yet. John uncurled his arms from where they were tucked against himself and gently wrapped them around Arthur, before turning his head and resting it against Arthur’s chest.  
There was Arthur’s steady heartbeat, his clear lungs, alive.

The two sat like that for a while longer, wrapped around one another, while the night moved on around them. Eventually they both started to shiver and it was time to head back inside.

They untangled their limbs and got their feet, making sure to dust themselves off as they went. Arthur gently took John’s hand into his own and lead him back inside the house. Everyone was still sleeping and the house was quiet, but warm. Arthur crawled into bed first then held out his arms for John, who quickly filled the space.

John curled back into Arthur’s chest and sighed again, taking in his scent and the warmth of the other. For the first time since the mountain John felt like everything really was going to be okay. They could do this, they could have a great life together.


End file.
